Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
