There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
