she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
