Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
