I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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