Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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