I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
