In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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