just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
