You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
