the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
