There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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