Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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