Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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