i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
