This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I want her autograph on my taint
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
