Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
