I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
