The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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