Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
