I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
