I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize