Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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