you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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