Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
