Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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