Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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