Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
