friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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