Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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