worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
