That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
