I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
