Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We need to get me chipped asap
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