how can u be prego again
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
