she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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