i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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