We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
