I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
