his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
