I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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