Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
