Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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