Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
