She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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