He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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