I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
