when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
