I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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