Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
