dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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