We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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