I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish i was in the wii world.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
