i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
