if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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