so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
