I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
