I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
